OK, full disclosure. Bedtime pisses me off. There I said it. If you don’t believe me you can swing by my street any night around 7:30 and easily identify my house. It will be the one emanating the blood curdling screams, the begging and of course the crying. Lots of crying.
Parents think the reason kids don’t want to go “nighty-night” is because we’ll be missing out on all the fun. I say: Don’t flatter yourself. You guys aren’t that exciting.
Here are the real reasons you take that one-way ticket to Dozy Land and shove it.
1) It’s freakin’ lonely.
No wonder parents think bedtime is so awesome. For them bedtime means cuddling up next to each in giant fluffy beds. Bedtime for me means laying alone clutching a synthetic inanimate object for comfort. You do the math.
2) Left with my own thoughts I fear I will plunge into a quagmire of lingering ennui. What if the world runs out of cake? What if I can’t find my sparkly purple scrunchies? Is there something going on between Dora and her Cousin Diego? And if so isn’t that a bit creepy?
3) I don’t want to hear the freaky noises from your bedroom. Once a week (OK, to be fair maybe once every two weeks) I detect the most bizarre noises coming from under my parent’s door. A lot of banging around and heavy breathing. What are those two wackos doing in there? Moving furniture?
4) My parents can’t function without me. With me out of the picture my parents will actually have to talk to each other. Seriously. I’ve seen what happens when those two are left to their own devices: A whole lot of nothing. When I’m around they are guaranteed a panoply of entertainment: avant garde puppet shows, impromptu naked dancing are just a small sampling of my repertoire. With me asleep who’s going to distract them from the fact that they’ve relegated themselves to a mundane middle-class existence? It’s the least I can do.
5) My sugar consumption will be cut off for 9+ hours
If I’m sleeping how the hell am I going to con you into giving me more dessert items? Unless I can count on you to feed me cookies and candy intravenously I’m painfully aware that if I go to sleep the sweet shop is closed.
October 18, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Don’t forget this one:
6) What if I wake up, and I am forty years old? Talk about a nightmare.
October 18, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Lily, you are so wise. I think the only way forwards is for you never to go to bed again. I’m sure your mummy would be just delighted to have your company 24/7…
October 18, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Funny lady – i think you may have met my daughter and influenced her!”
October 18, 2010 at 3:28 pm
I always found it helpful to say I’m scared and then leave it purposefully vague as to what could be scaring me, by saying it’s too scary to say.
Just a suggestion.
Not a competition.
October 18, 2010 at 6:56 pm
OMG, I am so glad you have a blog because most of these “mommy blogs” are just plain as meusli suck-fests. If I hear one more suggestion about empathic listening to us I’m going to laugh my ass off. We just don’t want to go to bed and we’re not going to. Deal.
October 19, 2010 at 11:14 am
You create a very convincing argument. Let me bring it up with board tonight and see if we can get a decision by 7pm, 30 minutes before your prescribed bedtime.
October 19, 2010 at 11:26 am
You worry that the world will run out of cake too?! I thought I was the only one. Also, I worry that humans will stop making doors, which will mean that I can’t stop and admire/question/investigate how doors open and close for the rest of my life (which sometimes can cause my mommy to be late to work). Boy, sleeping does suck.
Come play with me one day, kay? You’re fun.
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October 20, 2010 at 11:01 am
Love this post. Do we have the same kid? Do they have a secret club to conspire with each other? Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only who wishes bedtime drama could be bypassed!
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March 26, 2011 at 9:53 am
Right on, sista. Plus, don’t forget this reason:
Parents – Moms in particular- are WAY more fun to watch after they have had their requisite “post-bedtime beverages.” And frankly, I like to get all of the entertainment out of them that I can.
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June 20, 2011 at 11:48 am
Please see my article: “Ten Reasons to Sleep Next to Your Child at Night”:
Jan Hunt, Director
Natural Child Project
April 13, 2013 at 7:08 am
Yeah, I always wonder what those stupid noises are. Whenever I ask my parents they give each other That Look. Then they start going on about the birds and the trees and the Circle of Life and then they go overboard and start going on about how “everything the light touches is your kingdom.” And I’m like “What?! Why y’all throwing movie quotes at me?”
April 14, 2013 at 7:06 am
I hate going to bed!!! I mean why can’t kids decide to go to bed whenever?we’ll get tired eventually.
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