Halloween is almost here!! I can’t wait to get my hands on that October 31st candy cache — that is whatever passes Little Miss Muffin Top’s “safety check.” Should she really be inspecting each piece of candy by shoving them in to her mouth?!

Anywho, in a couple weeks I’ll be at my very first kindergarten Halloween parade.  Last year, at preschool, I wore a Target off-the-shelf Super Girl costume. This year I plan to be a pre-fab witch. Sure it would be cool if my mom could actually MAKE my Halloween costume. Truth be told I’d be pissed if she tried. D.I.Y. and my M.O.M. do not mix.

Adding to the list of domestic skills my mom suck at, she also couldn’t sew her way out of a paper bag. Last month I asked her to sew a plastic eyeball back on Sasha my stuffed pony. Easy-peasy, right? Wrong.It never happened. (Poor thing still has no depth perception.) No doubt my mom probably thinks I forgot. I didn’t. It just bolsters my argument that she’s severely lacking in any fundamental homemaking skills. Where the hell was she during her high school Home Economics class…smoking ciggies in the boy’s room?!

If you need proof of her inability to wield a needle look no further than her sewing kit. It’s simply a tangled mass of thread. Looks like a freaking bird’s making a nest in there. Obviously, any costume she’d try to make me would have me looking like a mental patient. Mom news flash: The One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest costume was not on my list.