My mom ruined my first Halloween. Yeah, I was only 7-months-old but I have proof.

It’s all in a blog she posted where she claimed, “Dressing babies in Halloween costumes is cruel and unusual punishment.”  The readers didn’t share her views — and this time I’m definitely on the side of the mommies. Based on the article it’s clear my first Halloween was spent in a onesie decorated only by dried spit-up. Thanks for nothing mom.

For chrissakes. I’m only young once and that woman has already managed to cheat me out of my first Halloween — a juicy item I’m adding to my list of things to blame her for in the future.

And it continues. Each year she manages to eff up my Trick or Treat experience. Here are just a few ways…

1) My Costume
It’s a kindergartner’s prerogative to change her mind and that goes for Halloween costumes. So what if one day I want to be a dalmatian, the next day a ballerina and the next a minor character from Pixie Hollow? It’s your job to figure it out, not mine. Just make it happen.

2) Mom’s “Costume”
There’s nothing worse than wearing a freaking awesome witch costume and then be led up to your neighbor’s doorstep by someone  in  ‘mom jeans.’ Unless you can convice people you’re wearing a “Middle-Aged Woman Who’s Best Years are Behind Her,” costume, at least  try to kick it up a notch.

3) The Candy
Don’t try that “Switch Witch” bullshit on me. I’m not buying it. I happen to know that the “Switch Witch” is really my mom. By November 1st she’s scarfed down all my candy while trying to appease me with some crappy toy in exchange. Pathetic.

4) The Trick or Treat Bag
No thank you, I don’t want to use a pillowcase for my Halloween candy bag. Just because that’s what you hadwhen you were a kid. My mom obviously watched one too many showings of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown at ye olde nickelodeon. The candy receptacle I want is the (not BPA free) plastic jack-o-lantern like ever other kid has, the one available at Target. Period. No replacements no substitutions.

5) The Pumpkin Carving
Don’t get all artistic when it comes to carving my pumpkin. I want triangle eyes, triangle nose and a happy or scary face. For some reason my parents are hot to fashion a “goofy” tooth or expressive eyebrows. You want to practice your carving skills? Enroll yourself in a sculpture class.