Tag Archives: holiday


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The Most Delicious Inedible Soup Recipe EVER

Fall has arrived…time for soup!

Fall is here! Time for Thanksgiving and for my mom to relentlessly harp on me to put on a sweater.

What better time for some nice soup? Here’s a delicious batch I made the other day. Of course, even though my recipe contains no transfat, partially hydrogenated oils or even food for that matter, my mom still refused to take a bite. Whatever. More for me.

Here’s my recipe:

Ingredients:
-6 or 12 containers of water
-2 handfuls of mud
-287 crayons, broken
-8 pipe cleaners
-One tube of glitter glue
-5 pieces sidewalk chalk
-7 rocks
-2 clumps of rose petals (pulled right of the stem)
Optional: rusty nails, paperclips, or a cigarette butt found on the sidewalk in front of your house.

Directions: Pour bathroom water into a bowl you’re not supposed to use. (be sure to drip water throughout the house before you pour it) Take all ingredients and hurl them into the bowl. Stir vigorously until all ingredients splash out onto the dry cleaning your mom just brought home.

Prep Time: Until your mom stops you.

Serves: 2 dolls, 3 stuffed animals and a multitude of ants.

Clean Up Time: Hell if I know. My mom cleaned up. I think it took her a couple hours


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The Only 5 Excuses For Crying. Period.

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I always keep a box of tissue on my dresser just in case my mom breaks down.

The holidays have arrived and that can only mean one thing: A sh*tload of crying. Not by me, mind you. Nope, most of the blubbering will be coming from my mom. Although she hasn’t been a baby for over 40 years she still cries like one.

Any mundane situation can have her flipping on the waterworks. Like the other day when she picked me up from preschool. All I did was scream “Mommy!” run up and hug her and then drag her over to the ‘Art Table‘ to show her a picture I drew of her. Suddenly tears are streaming down her face. What gives? You’re horrified that I drew you with gigantic orange earrings and triangle shaped dress? Get a hold of yourself, you’re scaring the toddlers.

Her explanation of why she cried that day? “I’m so happy,” she told me. OK that makes zero sense. You know, like tax cuts for the rich.

Since we’re inching towards December 25th I can only imagine what’s going to happen when I wake up Christmas morning and discover with amazement that Santa scarfed up this milk and cookies. Hope the Bearded One is gonna pack my stocking with plenty of Kleenex.

Hey, in my book there’s only a few crystal clear reasons to cry. The main one, of course, is the garden variety boo boo. Whether invisible, or actually gushing blood, no injury is too small to burst into tears — especially if you need a nap.

Anyway, here are the only legitimate times I think it’s cool to turn on the tears …

  1. When Max, that kid with ‘anger issues,’ flings a Bionical in your eye
  2. When you’re told to go to bed, pick up your toys, put on a sweater or anytime a request interferes with you covering the bathroom mirror with stickers.
  3. When you beg your dad to “be a monster” and then he scares the sh*t out of you
  4. When your mom freaks out at you because you left a full bowl of cereal on the couch (also good to accompany tears with, “You hurt my feelings!” )
  5. To let your parents know that you are not enjoying your “time out.”

Did I forget any?


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10 Reasons I’m Thankful My Parents Are Morons This Thanksgiving

Dad and Me

I’m thankful my oblivious dad doesn’t realize he’s being completely upstaged.

These days, Kindergarten seems to consist primarily of gluing dried leaves to construction paper, tracing hands to render bizarre finger-shaped turkeys, and being endlessly interrogated on “What We’re Thankful For.” I’d rather be waterboarded with turkey gravy. After a while, I’ll say anything to stop the madness.”

We kids play along and blurt out the usual “Candy!” “Mommy and Daddy!” “Turkey!” and whatever the hell to placate our teachers … but the truth is we’re thankful for oh, so much more.

Here’s my REAL list of what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. I’m thankful my mom hasn’t found the stash of lightly chewed gum I’ve hidden in the back of my sock drawer.

2. I’m thankful my parents are so frazzled at the end of the day that they can’t figure which of them said “Yes” or “No” to my zillionth request. Thanks to their profound lack of communication I can pretty much get whatever I want.

3. I’m thankful my grandparents don’t know anything about the dangers of transfat, lead-based paint, or even car safety. (Once Grandpa let me ride in the parking lot in the front seat! It’s freakin’ awesome up there!)

4. I’m thankful for those times I can kick back and talk potty-talk with my friends without grownups giving us the stinkeye.

5. I’m thankful my mom’s eyes are getting so bad she’ll invariably select “All Episodes” instead of one episode on the DVD menu — thus giving me a much needed iCarly Marathon.

6. I’m thankful my baby dolls have stopped throwing up all over my room (poor dears, they’ve been sick).

7. I’m thankful for that Saturday afternoon when my mom and dad both napped while I hauled mud into the tub to recreate that chocolate river from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

8. I’m thankful that if I throw a big enough fit I CAN leave the house in a princess dress/pajama ensemble complete with Mardi Gras bead accessories.

9. I’m thankful that by precariously placing a box on a chair I can almost reach where my mom’s put my Halloween candy.

10. And last but not least, I’m thankful for my parents because if it weren’t for their mediocre parenting skills I couldn’t get away with half the shit I do. Thanks Mom and Dad this one’s for you!


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10 Reasons I’m Thankful My Parents Are Morons

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Dad and Me

I’m thankful my oblivious dad doesn't realize he's being completely upstaged.

These days, preschool seems to consist primarily of  gluing dried leaves to construction paper, tracing hands to render bizarre finger-shaped turkeys, and being endlessly interrogated  on  “What We’re Thankful For.”  I’d rather be waterboarded with turkey gravy.  After a while, I’ll say anything to stop the madness.

We kids play along and blurt out the usual “Candy!” “Mommy and Daddy!” “Turkey!” and whatever the hell to placate our teachers … but the truth is we’re thankful for oh, so much more.

Here’s my REAL list of what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. I’m thankful my mom hasn’t found the stash of lightly chewed gum I’ve hidden in the back of my sock drawer.

2. I’m thankful my parents are so frazzled at the end of the day that they can’t figure which of them said “Yes” or “No” to my zillionth request.  Thanks to their profound lack of communication I can pretty much get whatever I want.

3. I’m thankful my grandparents don’t know anything about the dangers of transfat, lead-based paint, or even car safety. (Once Grandpa let me ride in the parking lot in the front seat! It’s freakin’ awesome up there!)

4. I’m thankful for those times I can kick back and talk potty-talk with my friends without grownups giving us the stinkeye.

5. I’m thankful my mom’s eyes are getting so bad she’ll invariably select “All Episodes” instead of one episode on the DVD menu — thus giving me a much needed Dora Marathon.

6. I’m thankful my baby dolls have stopped throwing up all over my room (poor dears, they’ve been sick).

7. I’m thankful for that Saturday afternoon when my mom and dad both napped while I hauled mud into the tub to recreate that chocolate river from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

8. I’m thankful that if I throw a big enough fit I CAN leave the house in a princess dress/pajama ensemble complete with Mardi Gras bead accessories.

9. I’m thankful that by precariously placing a box on a chair I can almost reach where my mom’s put my Halloween candy.

10. And last but not least, I’m thankful for my parents because if it weren’t for their mediocre parenting skills I couldn’t get away with half the shit I do. Thanks Mom and Dad this ones for you!