Tag Archives: halloween


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The Most Delicious Inedible Soup Recipe EVER

Fall has arrived…time for soup!

Fall is here! Time for Thanksgiving and for my mom to relentlessly harp on me to put on a sweater.

What better time for some nice soup? Here’s a delicious batch I made the other day. Of course, even though my recipe contains no transfat, partially hydrogenated oils or even food for that matter, my mom still refused to take a bite. Whatever. More for me.

Here’s my recipe:

Ingredients:
-6 or 12 containers of water
-2 handfuls of mud
-287 crayons, broken
-8 pipe cleaners
-One tube of glitter glue
-5 pieces sidewalk chalk
-7 rocks
-2 clumps of rose petals (pulled right of the stem)
Optional: rusty nails, paperclips, or a cigarette butt found on the sidewalk in front of your house.

Directions: Pour bathroom water into a bowl you’re not supposed to use. (be sure to drip water throughout the house before you pour it) Take all ingredients and hurl them into the bowl. Stir vigorously until all ingredients splash out onto the dry cleaning your mom just brought home.

Prep Time: Until your mom stops you.

Serves: 2 dolls, 3 stuffed animals and a multitude of ants.

Clean Up Time: Hell if I know. My mom cleaned up. I think it took her a couple hours


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4 Ways To Screw Up Your Kid’s Halloween Night

Moments before my mom effed-up my pumpkin.

My mom ruined my first Halloween. Yeah, I was only 7-months-old but I have proof.

It’s all in a blog she posted where she claimed, “dressing babies in Halloween costumes is cruel and unusual punishment“.  The readers didn’t share her views — and this time I’m definitely on the side of the mommies.   Based on the article it’s clear my first Halloween was spent in a onesie decorated only by dried spit-up. Thanks for nothing mom.

For chrissakes. I’m only young once and that woman has already managed to cheat me out of my first Halloween — a juicy item I’m adding to my list of things to blame her for in the future.

And it continues.  Each year she manages to eff up my Trick or Treat experience. Here are just a few ways…

1) The Costume
It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind and that goes for Halloween costumes. So what if one day I want to go as a dalmatian, the next day a ballerina and the next a minor character from Pixie Hollow? It’s your job to figure it out, not mine. Just make it happen.

2) The Candy
Don’t try that “Switch Witch” bullshit on me. I’m not buying it. I happen to know that the “Switch Witch” is really my mom. By November 1st she’s scarfed down all my candy while trying to appease me with some crappy toy in exchange. Pathetic.

3) The Trick or Treat Bag
No thank you mom, I don’t want to use a pillowcase for my Halloween candy bag.  Just because that’s what you had when you were a kid. My mom obviously watched one too many showings of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown at ye olde nickelodeon.  The candy receptacle I want is the (not BPA free) plastic jack-o-lantern like ever other kid has, the one available at Target. Period. No replacements no substitutions.

4) The Pumpkin Carving
Don’t get all artistic when it comes to carving my pumpkin. I want triangle eyes, triangle nose and a happy or scary face. For some reason my parents are hot to fashion a “goofy” tooth or expressive eyebrows. You want to practice your carving skills? Enroll yourself in a sculpture class.


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Thank GOD My Mom Didn’t Try to Make My Halloween Costume

Halloween is almost here!! I can’t wait to get my hands on that October 31st candy cache — that is whatever passes Little Miss Muffin Top’s “inspection.” (Should she really be inspecting each piece of candy by shoving them in to her mouth?)

Anywho, tomorrow is my preschool’s Halloween parade. I’m SO ready to put on my store-bought Super Girl get-up and run around blowing off some steam with my friends. Normally I’d be bummed that my costume comes off the rack. But D.I.Y. and my M.O.M. do not mix. A friend in my ‘hood who just turned 2 has a mom who managed to make hers. It looks awesome. Apparently her mom knows how to sew.

Check out my mom

Not mine. She couldn’t sew her way out of a paper bag. Last month I asked her to sew a plastic eyeball back on Sasha my stuffed pony. Easy-peasy, right? Wrong. It never happened. (Poor thing still has no depth perception.) No doubt my mom probably thinks I forgot. I didn’t. Not by a long shot. It just bolsters my argument that she’s severely lacking in any fundamental homemaking skills. (Where the hell was she during her high school Home Economics class…smoking ciggies in the boy’s room?!)

If you need proof of her inability to wield a needle look no further than her sewing kit. It’s simply a tangled mass of thread. Looks like a freaking bird’s making a nest in there. Obviously, any costume she’d try to make me would have me looking like a mental patient. News flash: The One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest costume was not on my list.


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Another Halloween DIY Costume Fail…Thanks Mom!

Halloween is almost here!! I can’t wait to get my hands on that October 31st candy cache — that is whatever passes Little Miss Muffin Top’s “safety check.” Should she really be inspecting each piece of candy by shoving them in to her mouth?!

Anywho, in a couple weeks I’ll be at my very first kindergarten Halloween parade.  Last year, at preschool, I wore a Target off-the-shelf Super Girl costume. This year I plan to be a pre-fab witch. Sure it would be cool if my mom could actually MAKE my Halloween costume. Truth be told I’d be pissed if she tried. D.I.Y. and my M.O.M. do not mix.

Check out my mom’s “sewing kit.” AKA FAIL.

Adding to the list of domestic skills my mom suck at, she also couldn’t sew her way out of a paper bag. Last month I asked her to sew a plastic eyeball back on Sasha my stuffed pony. Easy-peasy, right? Wrong.It never happened. (Poor thing still has no depth perception.) No doubt my mom probably thinks I forgot. I didn’t. It just bolsters my argument that she’s severely lacking in any fundamental homemaking skills. Where the hell was she during her high school Home Economics class…smoking ciggies in the boy’s room?!

If you need proof of her inability to wield a needle look no further than her sewing kit. It’s simply a tangled mass of thread. Looks like a freaking bird’s making a nest in there. Obviously, any costume she’d try to make me would have me looking like a mental patient. Mom news flash: The One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest costume was not on my list.