OK, full disclosure. Bedtime pisses me off. There I said it. If you don’t believe me you can swing by my street any night around 7:30 and easily identify my house. It will be the one emanating the blood curdling screams, the begging and of course the crying.
Bedtime is a huge freaking drag. But apparently the real whiners in the situation are the parents. One cry baby dad even wrote a book about bedtime battles called Go the F**K To Sleep. Real classy.
Parents think the reason kids don’t want to go “nighty-night” is because we’ll be missing out on all the fun. I say: Don’t flatter yourself. You guys aren’t that exciting.
Here are the real reasons you take that one-way ticket to Dozy Land and shove it.
1) It’s freakin’ lonely.
No wonder parents think bedtime is so awesome. For them bedtime means cuddling up next to each in giant fluffy beds. Bedtime for me means laying alone clutching a synthetic inanimate object for comfort. You do the math.
2) Left with my own thoughts I fear I will plunge into a quagmire of lingering ennui. What if the world runs out of cake? What if I can’t find my sparkly purple scrunchies? Is there something going on between Dora and her Cousin Diego? And if so isn’t that a bit creepy?
3) I don’t want to hear the freaky noises from your bedroom. Once a week (OK, to be fair maybe once every two weeks) I detect the most bizarre noises coming from under my parent’s door. A lot of banging around and heavy breathing. What are those two wackos doing in there? Moving furniture?
4) My parents can’t function without me. With me out of the picture my parents will actually have to talk to each other. Seriously. I’ve seen what happens when those two are left to their own devices: A whole lot of nothing. When I’m around they are guaranteed a panoply of entertainment: avant garde puppet shows, impromptu naked dancing are just a small sampling of my repertoire. With me asleep who’s going to distract them from the fact that they’ve relegated themselves to a mundane middle-class existence? It’s the least I can do.
5) My sugar consumption will be cut off for 9+ hours
If I’m sleeping how the hell am I going to con you into giving me more dessert items? Unless I can count on you to feed me cookies and candy intravenously I’m painfully aware that if I go to sleep the sweet shop is closed.