Thank GOD My Mom Didn’t Try to Make My Halloween Costume

Halloween is almost here!! I can’t wait to get my hands on that October 31st candy cache — that is whatever passes Little Miss Muffin Top’s “inspection.” (Should she really be inspecting each piece of candy by shoving them in to her mouth?)

Anywho, tomorrow is my preschool’s Halloween parade. I’m SO ready to put on my store-bought Super Girl get-up and run around blowing off some steam with my friends. Normally I’d be bummed that my costume comes off the rack. But D.I.Y. and my M.O.M. do not mix. A friend in my ‘hood who just turned 2 has a mom who managed to make hers. It looks awesome. Apparently her mom knows how to sew.

Check out my mom

Not mine. She couldn’t sew her way out of a paper bag. Last month I asked her to sew a plastic eyeball back on Sasha my stuffed pony. Easy-peasy, right? Wrong. It never happened. (Poor thing still has no depth perception.) No doubt my mom probably thinks I forgot. I didn’t. Not by a long shot. It just bolsters my argument that she’s severely lacking in any fundamental homemaking skills. (Where the hell was she during her high school Home Economics class…smoking ciggies in the boy’s room?!)

If you need proof of her inability to wield a needle look no further than her sewing kit. It’s simply a tangled mass of thread. Looks like a freaking bird’s making a nest in there. Obviously, any costume she’d try to make me would have me looking like a mental patient. News flash: The One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest costume was not on my list.