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The Only 5 Excuses For Crying. Period.

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I always keep a box of tissue on my dresser just in case my mom breaks down.

The holidays have arrived and that can only mean one thing: A sh*tload of crying. Not by me, mind you. Nope, most of the blubbering will be coming from my mom. Although she hasn’t been a baby for over 40 years she still cries like one.

Any mundane situation can have her flipping on the waterworks. Like the other day when she picked me up from preschool. All I did was scream “Mommy!” run up and hug her and then drag her over to the ‘Art Table‘ to show her a picture I drew of her. Suddenly tears are streaming down her face. What gives? You’re horrified that I drew you with gigantic orange earrings and triangle shaped dress? Get a hold of yourself, you’re scaring the toddlers.

Her explanation of why she cried that day? “I’m so happy,” she told me. OK that makes zero sense. You know, like tax cuts for the rich.

Since we’re inching towards December 25th I can only imagine what’s going to happen when I wake up Christmas morning and discover with amazement that Santa scarfed up this milk and cookies. Hope the Bearded One is gonna pack my stocking with plenty of Kleenex.

Hey, in my book there’s only a few crystal clear reasons to cry. The main one, of course, is the garden variety boo boo. Whether invisible, or actually gushing blood, no injury is too small to burst into tears — especially if you need a nap.

Anyway, here are the only legitimate times I think it’s cool to turn on the tears …

  1. When Max, that kid with ‘anger issues,’ flings a Bionical in your eye
  2. When you’re told to go to bed, pick up your toys, put on a sweater or anytime a request interferes with you covering the bathroom mirror with stickers.
  3. When you beg your dad to “be a monster” and then he scares the sh*t out of you
  4. When your mom freaks out at you because you left a full bowl of cereal on the couch (also good to accompany tears with, “You hurt my feelings!” )
  5. To let your parents know that you are not enjoying your “time out.”

Did I forget any?