I suppose it had to end. The holidays are over. As the tree gets packed away along with my easy access to candy canes, I can’t help feeling a dark wave of melancholy crushing me into a downward spiral of debilitating depression.
Then I think of my favorite poo joke and I laugh like hell. Here it is:
Get it?! Diaper RASH. Oh, man. I gotta catch my breath. That one always kills me. It’s an oldie but a goodie.
Seriously, how can anything be that crucial when you’ve got poo and pee jokes to carry you through? Once, when I wasn’t in the greatest mood, a kid showed me his Silly Bandz in the shape of a toilet. I almost lost it. IT WAS IN THE SHAPE OF A TOILET. Freakin’ HI-larious.
You’d think, maybe by now, I would’ve moved on in my humor repertoire but I’m still enamored by all things toilet-related. I think everyone should be. Occasionally, I like to inform my parents in great detail the size, color and (perceived) texture of the gems I’ve left. For some reason they never seem interested. My mom in particular. She’s not a fan of the poo. I’ve heard her says she doesn’t even like scatological humor.
When she popped me out did she also pop out her funny bone?!
Get this: She can’t even stand the word “fart” and would prefer if I said “passing gas” instead. “Passing gas?!” Are you freakin’ kidding me?! Pretty clinical for a sound that inspired the illustrious Whoopie Cushion. Look, everyone I know says fart. It’s a funny word for chrissakes.
Here’s a simple test. Which sentence is funnier?
A) (Accompanied by relentless flatulence sound effects) Oh, noooooo!!! My doll won’t stop farting! Pee-yew!! (holding nose and running in circles around the room like a crazy person.)
B) (No sound effects) My doll continues to pass gas.
Please comment below.
January 4, 2011 at 1:29 pm
My mom seems to really enjoy poop jokes. Guess I’m lucky. She is rolling around on the floor in tears laughing so hard over that knock knock joke right now! Oh— I think she just passed gas too.
January 4, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Oh Lily, you should really come over sometime after Sally produces one of her magical alphabet soup poops — “Look Mom, it’s a ‘J’!” It’s fascinating AND educational.
January 4, 2011 at 2:46 pm
I’m a fan of the fart. Here’s another one to bug your mom:
Smell mop who? (Say it aloud!)
Haha! You’re wonderful; keep writing.
January 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Just 30 minutes ago, during dinner, my 9 yo asked, “Do you know anyone who can fart the alphabet?” He was none to happy when I rejected this as a topic of polite dinner conversation.
January 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm
I wanna know why your doll is farting! What are you feeding her?
January 6, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Lily, my mom was a lot like yours. We didn’t even have WORDS for going to the bathroom because seriously, whose business was it anyway? Passing gas was never referenced, if you smelled something foul you just sat there and pretended it wasn’t happening.
Then, one day, when I was 16, I realized that if I used the word “poop” my mom would giggle like a schoolgirl. I started calling my brothers “Poopsicles” just to see my mom shriek. Somehow I had discovered that her prudish vocabulary was just a cover for a truly juvenile sense of humor.
Now that I’m a mom, I can see why my mom felt the way she did. It makes HER look bad. But let’s be honest. Toilet humor is funny.
Here’s a couple of things that happened in my family recently. Maybe your mom will read them to you if you promise to pretend to be shocked at the right times.
January 11, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Oh my lord. Lily. Thank for making me laugh until I cried. I needed it. Recovering from rotavirus. Have you had it before? Now THERE’S a lot of fodder for gross jokes. Once you recover from being sicker than you could ever imagine you could ever, ever be. It sucks, girlfriend.
February 21, 2011 at 11:10 pm
I just happened across this blog while scouring google for some sanity on raising my 4-year-old daughter. Your blog has had me laughing so hard I’ve cried!
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