All I want for Christmas this year is for my parents to shut the f-up and stop bickering.

What? Too much to ask?

Hey, I know they love each other, (BTW I do understand what love is because I’m currently engaged to a guy in my class. His name is Emmett. He doesn’t have a car, a job, and often wipes his boogers on me but he’s mine.)

Anywho. My parents fight about the lamest things: Who didn’t take out the trash; who left the refrigerator door open and which one of them has sacrificed more of their lifelong hopes and dreams to make the mortgage payment.

But don’t worry I don’t need to be put into foster care. Nobody’s hurling lamps or waffle irons (Frankly I’d like to see my mom even use a waffle iron. Fat chance.) No, I’m perfectly safe unless CPS guidelines call for my removal because of the sarcastic barbs I’ve witnessed. And there are plenty.

All parents argue. They eventually get over it.  Problem is, then you have to endure the “make up kiss.” I’m not sure which is worse. Freakin’ disgusting.

Sick of your parents fighting? Here are a few tips to diffuse the situation.

1. Don’t take sides take BOTH SIDES!
When I hear my mom and dad using their “mad voices.” I quickly pipe in with an incredulous,  “Don’t talk to my mommy that way!!” On the next argument I’ll  interject a heartfelt, “Don’t talk to my daddy that way!!”  I have no real opinion on what these two nut jobs are going on about but it usually shuts them up quick.

2. Ignore them
This is the easiest and best way to get some time to yourself and score some sweets. When you hear your parents squabbling about being resentful because someone does more of the housework than the other (A favorite at my house!). Let them.  Use the time to get into that perfume you’ve always wanted to spray on your doll clothes and then pile your bathroom step-stool on a chair and reach those cookies you’ve had your eye on. They’ll never notice!  Then kick back, relax and enjoy a box of Oreos with your reeking baby doll. Sweet!

3. Distract!
When dad is pissed because mom forgot, yet again, to close the shower curtain (and now the bathroom floor is covered in water), it’s the perfect time to accidentally break a glass (or better yet a Christmas ornament!)  in the living room. Soon the bathroom flood will seem like smooth sailing. Nothing brings parents together more than preventing us kids from being impaled on shards of glass.  Nothing.