These days, Kindergarten seems to consist primarily of gluing dried leaves to construction paper, tracing hands to render bizarre finger-shaped turkeys, and being endlessly interrogated on “What We’re Thankful For.” I’d rather be waterboarded with turkey gravy. After a while, I’ll say anything to stop the madness.”
We kids play along and blurt out the usual “Candy!” “Mommy and Daddy!” “Turkey!” and whatever the hell to placate our teachers … but the truth is we’re thankful for oh, so much more.
Here’s my REAL list of what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:
1. I’m thankful my mom hasn’t found the stash of lightly chewed gum I’ve hidden in the back of my sock drawer.
2. I’m thankful my parents are so frazzled at the end of the day that they can’t figure which of them said “Yes” or “No” to my zillionth request. Thanks to their profound lack of communication I can pretty much get whatever I want.
3. I’m thankful my grandparents don’t know anything about the dangers of transfat, lead-based paint, or even car safety. (Once Grandpa let me ride in the parking lot in the front seat! It’s freakin’ awesome up there!)
4. I’m thankful for those times I can kick back and talk potty-talk with my friends without grownups giving us the stinkeye.
5. I’m thankful my mom’s eyes are getting so bad she’ll invariably select “All Episodes” instead of one episode on the DVD menu — thus giving me a much needed iCarly Marathon.
6. I’m thankful my baby dolls have stopped throwing up all over my room (poor dears, they’ve been sick).
7. I’m thankful for that Saturday afternoon when my mom and dad both napped while I hauled mud into the tub to recreate that chocolate river from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
8. I’m thankful that if I throw a big enough fit I CAN leave the house in a princess dress/pajama ensemble complete with Mardi Gras bead accessories.
9. I’m thankful that by precariously placing a box on a chair I can almost reach where my mom’s put my Halloween candy.
10. And last but not least, I’m thankful for my parents because if it weren’t for their mediocre parenting skills I couldn’t get away with half the shit I do. Thanks Mom and Dad this one’s for you!