Yesterday was my first day of kindergarten. What was the best part you ask? My new school has an entire bathroom filled with TINY TOILETS! Stalls and everything!! Truly awe-inspiring. The worst part? I think you know.
If my mom’s behavior surrounding my education is any indication of things to come I. Am. Screwed. She’s been a wreck. You should’ve seen her the night before, freaking out that I “have to get a good nights sleep!!” How the hell am I supposed to get any R.E.M. slumber with you stressing me out?! I’d pop an Ambien if I knew what one was.
When I woke up in the morning she was hovering over me like a maternal lunatic (wait is that redundant?) The first words out of her mouth? “You can’t start kindergarten on an empty stomach. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD BREAKFAST!!!!” Get a grip woman, you’re almost putting me off my Trader Joe’s Strawberry Yogurt O’s.
Walking to my new school wasn’t any better… it was like being followed by the freaking paparazzi. She couldn’t stop taking pictures. I felt like doing a “Sean Penn” on her and trashing her camera but since her camera is on her iphone which houses my favorite aps, Cake Doodle and Super Why, I restrained myself. I’m no fool.
When I finally got out of her cloying clutches I happily lined up with my fellow kinders ready to finally be grown up. I look up and what do I see? My mom blubbering like a giant baby. FYI, I have the same attitude about babies that Madonna has about hydrangeas. I loathe babies. What? Just me?