I just hit a milestone — along with being able to show empathy, color in the lines and other “achievements”  outlined in the American Academy of Pediatrics book of bullshit. Yep,  I TURNED 5!  Here’s why it freaking rocks!

1) When grown ups ask how old you are you can hold up all of  your fingers. They think you’re  being cute but actually you’re saying “Please stop with your  f*cking boring questions old man!”

2) You no longer have to be aligned with those younger kids that still poo in their pants…like animals.

3) You get to watch your parents struggle with the moral conundrum of whether “children under 5 are free” still can apply to them. Nice way to teach me values ya’ cheapskates.

4) Although you’re too old for naps you’re still not too old to go bat shit crazy when you need one.

5) You’re 365 days closer to get the hell out of your parent’s house. Only 4,745 to go!