My Mom’s Sh*tty Review of My Pretend Restaurant


I’ve been running some kind of eating establishment since I was about 2.  Probably from the first time I got my hands on my first  lead-based plastic piece of  fruit.  As everyone knows the restaurant business is freaking brutal. But ya know what makes it even harder? A shitty review on Yelp. Turns out, when I had my first restaurant my mom posted a critique. I just found it. No wonder I had to shut down.

Here’s her review of my first restaurant (Luckily I got the nice folks at Yelp to take it down … for a fee.) 

(Originally published on

Since I’ve become a mother, I don’t get as many chances to try out the latest hot restaurant getting all the buzz. Yet, there’s one restaurant I’ve been to almost everyday for the last month — sometimes more than once a day. My two-and-a-half year old, Lily, has opened what she calls “The Cafe Restaurant” and although the service is terrible, the food inedible and you have to sit on the living room floor, it has become one of my favorite eating destinations of all time. What makes a visit to The Cafe Restaurant so special is you never, ever know what you’re going to get.Here’s an example of a typical ordering experience:

Lily:  Order something, please.
Mom: OK, do you have coffee?
Lily: No. No coffee at the Cafe Restaurant. Only water and tea.
Mom: OK, tea please.
Lily: No tea. Only water.
Mom: OK, water.
Lily: Do you want coffee?
Mom: Well … actually, yes.
Lily: (Handing me a toy tomato) Here.

Hey, the restaurant business is hard. Most of them fail in the first year. She’s probably just working the kinks out. Here is my review of her establishment — if you ever stop by my house when it’s open from 6:30 AM til bedtime.

Signature Dish: This is what I got when I ordered the spinach quiche and salad with a side of cottage cheese. Beautiful presentation but, alas, indigestible:

You can wait for your food for hours — sometimes until after nap time. Depending on her mood, the customer sitting next to you (dad) might get served while you’re ignored. Be prepared to get your hands dirty — at her whim she can ask YOU to run the restaurant while she orders instead.

The Menu:
Varies from day to day and minute to minute. Sometimes all you get is cake. There’s no alcohol served. Lily will not have a liquor license for roughly 18 years.

I’ve seen the chef sneeze directly on the food and serve it to me. She often doesn’t wear shoes and has even served me food items tucked between her toes. Cracker crumbs cover the floor. Sometimes she pees her pants. If a Health Inspector stopped by, I’m pretty sure he’d shut her down.

It’s not cheap. Currently she says everything costs “20 miles.” But no worries. Sometimes she dips into her little cash register and pays you instead of taking payment.

Still, despite the poor service and the plastic tasting food I HIGHLY recommend this restaurant. But you better hurry. Even as I write this, I think the restaurant might be shutting down. We got her a little doctor’s bag this weekend, complete with a stethoscope — already the restaurant counter has been serving as a hospital triage. The toddler doctor is in.

WTF? First of all I used that doctor’s bag ONCE for about a minute tops, (I begged for it at Target for about 45 minutes) and the restaurant shut down because of HER. After she posted her “review” the Health Department removed my “A” rating and replaced it with the only other letter I knew how to write at the time an “O.”  Whatever. I have a new restaurant now that offers mainly salads made of clumps of the lawn and dirt. Come on by…without my mom.

Author: Lily

4 year old blogger

8 thoughts on “My Mom’s Sh*tty Review of My Pretend Restaurant

  1. That’s funny.

  2. Oh God, I wish we were friends. You make me laugh so hard. And apparently we have the same taste in eating establishments.

  3. Thanks for your funny blogs! As a mom to a toddler with a kitchen/writer/waitress at a very high end restaurant, I really enjoyed this one. I love the idea of presenting everything from a child’s perspective. Mine ‘graduated’ from the kitchen to his fire station after their fire drill in school:-)

  4. Love this. My favorite part is “(Handing me a toy tomato).” I can so relate!

  5. that was great! I have a little chef of my own, but he’s anal and thinks he’s hot to trot because all of his food is organic. Technically it’s just ecofriendly felt, but don’t tell him that.

  6. Pingback: Monday’s Top 5 | The Happy Logophile

  7. So funny! I love it, especially serving food between her toes. Awesomesauce.

  8. I find it interesting that you paid to pull it from Yelp and yet you post it here for all to see. I find it sweet and charming that your mother loved you so much. I would stop ragging on her and start being grateful.

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