This whole Valentine’s Day thing is a crock. Look, I have no problem with handing out a “Will you be mine?” card  to each and every kid in my kindergarten class — even to the boy who eats his boogers. What I object to is the idea that my parents, (who can usually be found bickering about such earth shattering topics as whether leaving all the pots to soak ‘counts’ as doing the dishes), will suddenly be all lovey-dovey come February 14th. Ever seen those conversation hearts with the sickeningly sweet phrases like “Cutie Pie” and “True Love” — whoever cranks those out has NEVER met my mom and dad.
This year I propose a few more realistic sayings: