My Mom’s Got One Foot in the Grave and One On a Banana Peel

Posted: February 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

The very moment I had the horrible realization that one day, I’ll be forced to push this woman around in a wheelchair.

Everyone’s heard of the ‘Terrible Twos.” (I remember mine fondly, I threw some EPIC tantrums– very cathartic.) What no one prepares you for are the “Terrible 40’s.” They are pure hell.

For some idiotic reason, my mom, when she should’ve been researching suitable old folks homes, decided it was time to have a baby. She was 40.

Obviously, her biological clock keeps shitty time.

That means when she’s hitting menopause, I’ll be just entering my early teens. Hey, might be a blessing in disguise, she’ll probably be too disoriented from hot flashes to notice that I pierced my tongue.

Seriously, there’s nothing quite so off-putting as begging your mom to carry you and then hearing her bones creak when she picks you up. I have half a mind to spray her elderly ass down with WD-40.

And it’s not just her impending arthritis. I found out recently that she dyes her hair! Yes, my mommy has some gray hairs. If what I’ve gleaned from fairy tales is true that can only mean one thing: She is a witch. No big surprise really, you should see how she acts when I use her new lipstick as a crayon. Freaking scary.

Comments
  1. tracy says:

    I only wish, I could not relate to this one so well. As a 48 year old mother of 4 young children. LOL

  2. Margaret says:

    Lily, when you want to get your tongue pierced, give me a
    call. I know a great place. Then your mom can take my Zoe out for
    her first tattoo…

  3. danielle says:

    yes Lily, it’s true. we old mothers are a hand full but I know a few young moms that don’t look so pleasant. it’s not age Lily, it’s temperment!!!! And yes, our bones may break sooner, but you will be a young vibrant woman with an abundant amount of energy and time, perfect for caring for your aging mother. see!!! it’s all logic Lily!!!

  4. Kimberly says:

    Lily, you are epic. I look forward to these all week! Seriously though, being 40 doesn’t mean your mom will creak, i’ve been doing it since I was about 15. Watch yourself in high school sports! Those are murder on your joints. You need to catch up on your Mythbusters though. Banana peels aren’t so slippery! Maybe you just aren’t allowed to stay up that late. My little girl Gabbie is 6, and she gives them a big thumbs up!

  5. MJ says:

    Lily, having a younger mum is no guarantee of fun times. Mine was 19 when she had me. Can you imagine spending your teenage years with your 30-something year old mother wanting to borrow your clothes? Sooooo not cool. And as it turned out, she was way more conservative – prudish, even – than my friends’ mums.

  6. Melissa says:

    God bless us older moms. I will show my daughter the scar from my own tounge ring, and laugh when she tries to rebel. I’ve been there, and done that. Life experience and gray hair! Yeah baby!

  7. Eleanor H says:

    My mom uses me and my young mind to remember where she parks at the mall. Miss you Lily! Love, Eleanor

  8. This is a work of genius. Makes us realise that things are not what they may seem. Make me analyse what my four year old may just be thinking when she throws taht lip and rolls her eyes.
    xx

  9. lazer foxx says:

    hee, me old daddy too

  10. Alexandra says:

    I am such a dork…took me forever to figure out how to leave a comment. I kept clicking on the cartoon ballon like thing that says 9.

    Then I remembered this happened to me once before at another site, and I was supposed to click on the post title. 2 other sites, actually.

    Anyway, came over here from somewhere else…and this is WONDERFUL.

    Read some old posts…and love it enough to subscribe now.

    Thank you…this is different, so funny, and I had been dying of BOREDOM this morning.

  11. Lorita says:

    This was freaking HILARIOUS!!! I could not stop laughing whatsoever. I’m still laughing at the picture.

    Now that I have myself together, I think all kids can bring out the “witch” in mommy. In fact, I’ve just come to the realization how my kids might think of me in those moments and I’ve been trying to tone the witchiness down.

  12. The Bearded Iris says:

    Lily, you crack my elderly ass UP, girl. Be careful when you WD-40 yo’ mama… if you accidentally grease up her old gray goodie basket, you might end up with a younger sibling and then you’ll have to share all your toys.

  13. […] –  I’ve just finished my 600th episode of iCarly and my mom has transformed into a middle-aged lady in waiting. Peel me a grape, […]

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