The Only 5 Excuses For Crying. Period.

Posted: November 29, 2010 in Uncategorized
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I always keep a box of tissue on my dresser just in case my mom breaks down.

The holidays have arrived and that can only mean one thing: A sh*tload of crying. Not by me, mind you. Nope, most of the blubbering will be coming from my mom. Although she hasn’t been a baby for over 40 years she still cries like one.

Any mundane situation can have her flipping on the waterworks. Like the other day when she picked me up from preschool. All I did was scream “Mommy!” run up and hug her and then drag her over to the ‘Art Table‘ to show her a picture I drew of her. Suddenly tears are streaming down her face. What gives? You’re horrified that I drew you with gigantic orange earrings and triangle shaped dress? Get a hold of yourself, you’re scaring the toddlers.

Her explanation of why she cried that day? “I’m so happy,” she told me. OK that makes zero sense. You know, like tax cuts for the rich.

Since we’re inching towards December 25th I can only imagine what’s going to happen when I wake up Christmas morning and discover with amazement that Santa scarfed up this milk and cookies. Hope the Bearded One is gonna pack my stocking with plenty of Kleenex.

Hey, in my book there’s only a few crystal clear reasons to cry. The main one, of course, is the garden variety boo boo. Whether invisible, or actually gushing blood, no injury is too small to burst into tears — especially if you need a nap.

Anyway, here are the only legitimate times I think it’s cool to turn on the tears …

  1. When Max, that kid with ‘anger issues,’ flings a Bionical in your eye
  2. When you’re told to go to bed, pick up your toys, put on a sweater or anytime a request interferes with you covering the bathroom mirror with stickers.
  3. When you beg your dad to “be a monster” and then he scares the sh*t out of you
  4. When your mom freaks out at you because you left a full bowl of cereal on the couch (also good to accompany tears with, “You hurt my feelings!” )
  5. To let your parents know that you are not enjoying your “time out.”

Did I forget any?

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Comments
  1. threecollie says:

    Been reading a while. Love it. Linking

  2. danielle says:

    when you can’t pull your panties, pants, or socks up. when mom or dad turns off the tv. when youre at the park-just lose it like a mad child and watched the whole park squirm and your mom go nuts. I know there’s more but Simone is asking for a snack and the tears are starting.

  3. Maruga says:

    Wiping. The. Nose.

    Absolutely unconscionable, and my parents just will not stop! I tried contacting Wikileaks about it, but I think they’re avoiding my calls.

  4. Christine says:

    Love the list, Lily! I also think crying in public for the sole purpose of humiliating your mom into buying you whatever you want is a good reason too!

  5. Eleanor H says:

    Hi Lily–

    Here is a legitimate reason to cry for ya… two pre-menopausal moms. Try riding that roller-coaster.
    love you
    jen

    • danielle says:

      I can’t stop laughing. I feel so relieved my daughter is not the only one suffering. I often here, “Are you calm yet mom? can you come and play Ariel with me now?”

  6. Robyn says:

    What about when you are effing pissed about being woken up in the morning? You should try that one!

  7. summer embee says:

    Oh. My. God. Funniest blog EVER. Love it.
    Sincerely,
    Mom of a similarly jaded and irritated 4 year old.

  8. Kali Capps says:

    Thank God. I thought I was the only one who’s kid said, “you hurt my feelings”. Like a knife to the heart. Gets me every time.

  9. Robby, age 5 says:

    You forgot to mention when you’re told no for any reason whatsoever. No I can’t have candy at midnight? No I can’t run across three lanes of traffic alone? No I can’t watch TV instead of doing homework? No I can’t pour my own koolaid, especially the red kind that stains, all on my own when it’s a full container? Who the hell do my parents think they are? And then when they keep on telling me no, when I break into a full meltdown crying session, they act like I’M the one being unreasonable. Whatever!

  10. […] up with my fellow kinders ready to finally be grown up. I look up and what do I see?  My mom  blubbering like a giant baby. FYI, I have the same attitude about babies that Madonna has about hydrangeas. I  loathe babies. […]

  11. Maggie says:

    You are hilarious!!!!! Keep writing)

  12. Angelica-Fresh says:

    Yeah. When you call your older brother names, then he hits you. Man, this works like a charm.

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