My Mommy’s Got a Big Fat Ass

Posted: November 24, 2010 in Uncategorized
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Everytime my mom turns around I get an eyeful of this.

Before you get yourself all in a tizzy over this post’s title. Note this: I calls ‘em like I see ‘em. And what I sees is a mom who sports a ginormous backside. To be fair I’m only three feet tall, so everything looks big to me. Also, because of my height her bum consistently hits me at eye-level, obstructing my view. It’s like trying to crane your neck around a dirigible.

Take last week for example. My mom was blocking my way in a clothing aisle at Target, (I was attempting to strategically hide in some Merona sweaters) so I yelled to her, “Move your big behind!” I thought it was a fairly straightforward (and hilarious!) way to communicate that she should, well, move her big behind. I was just trying to be accurate–you’d think she’d be impressed by my clarity. Think again. Jeeze, she got pissed. Touch-y.

What’s the, ahem, BIG deal? Compared to me or any of my dolls, bears, or action figures; or any of my mom’s childless friends; her bum is freakin’ huge. It’s all relative (and by relative I mean she obviously inherited my grammy’s double-wide hips.)

I’m guessing her reaction that day at Target might have something to do with how whiny she gets when she claims she can’t fit into any of her pants, shirts, skirts, tanktops, coats, t-shirts, culottes,  underwear, sweaters, shorts, skorts, or shoes the way she used to ‘back in the day’ — which I’m assuming was sometime in the early 1920′s.

Hell, I’m pretty sure she blames me for her body falling apart — not directly but I get the hint. I will cop to, for a time, (roughly 9 months), taking up residence in her belly. But when I vacated I left the place exactly as I found it. I even got (most) of my security deposit back.

So zip it sister…oh that’s right, you can’t.

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Comments
  1. Eleanor H says:

    Hi Lily– it is your bff ellie. I feel you 100% on this one. My mommy always complains that she hasn’t lost her “baby weight” yet… and this is coming from the mom who DIDN’T give birth to me. Figure that one out! Too bad more calories weren’t burnt from running ones mouth complaining about how they look in their mom jeans.
    love eleanor

  2. Brilliant post, very entertaining.

    CJ xx

  3. danielle says:

    Lily. Be thankful your mom has an ass. I have the flattest bony ass around. Every time my 4 year old runs into it, she thinks I just jabbed her in the head with my elbow.

  4. The Bearded Iris says:

    OMG. O. M. G.!!! I just stumbled here by accident from Twitter. Sorry it took me so long to get here, but my ass is SO BIG that it really slows me down. Having three kids and an aversion to work or sweat can really mess with a woman’s shape, you know. You should really give your curvy mama a break, kid. I am learning the hard way that every mean thing I ever said to my mother is coming back to haunt me three fold. You think your mom’s ass is big? Call me in thirty years and let’s see what has become of your perky little Disney clad bottom by then. Quit hiding in the sweaters and do something useful like peel your hardworking mom some grapes. Sheesh. ;) (I love this post! LOVE IT!!!)

  5. […] My Mommy's Got a Big Fat Behind […]

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