Why I Think All “Mommy Blogs” are Bullsh*t

Posted: October 6, 2010 in Uncategorized

Me and my well-behaved daughter Madison.

Hi, my name is Lily and I am proud to introduce my new blog. Why would a five-year-old need her own web presence you ask?

Well, for as long as I can remember, my mom has been writing “articles” about me. Whether it’s mocking my latest hobby of playing restaurant, accusing me of trashing her car or calling me an a**hole, everything that goes on in my life ended up as a post on her website. Then a bunch of other moms with their panties in a wad would chime in with their two cents.

Although I’ve only been on this earth four short years, I’ve learned one thing: You moms sure like to complain.

From what I can tell, the whole “mommy blogging”  world is one never-ending bitch-fest about how us kids get on your nerves. Did you ever think maybe hanging out with you guys is no picnic either?

Hey, being a mom isn’t that challenging. I’m a mom to a baby myself.  Madison,  (named after an acquaintance at my preschool who pees her pants at least 3 times a day but besides that she’s pretty cool) eats anything I give her, never has tantrums and doesn’t  complain when I forcibly hold her head underwater. Being a mom is EASY.

Do you know what’s hard? Dealing 24/7 with a control freak TYPE A personality with one foot in the grave (Did I mention my mom is waaay over 40?)

Now that I’ve secured my own website “Bedtimes are for Suckers” I plan to take on the slanted world of mommy “journalism.” Let’s get started shall we? Here are my:

Top 5 Reasons My Mom is a Royal Pain in the Ass (with many, many more to come…)

1) She’s always messing with my sh*t.
Like some obsessive-compulsive who can’t stop washing their hands, my mom Cannot. Stop. Putting. Away. Toys. Let’s say I’ve got my baby dolls painstakingly covered up with every available blanket and towel in the house — like clockwork, she comes in and starts tearing the place apart. Then my babies start freaking out because she uncovered them and they’re cold. Next time, I swear, if she touches my sh*t, I’m calling the cops.

2) She doesn’t have the answers.
It seems every time I exercise my innate curiosity and ask “Why?” about something — not that often, mind you, just about 500 to 1,000 times a day — she doesn’t know the answer. Half the time I’m positive she’s just making shit up. I’m not stupid. I can easily fact check “Why is that man walking over there?” and “Why can that kid have ice cream?” on Google.

3) She’s a remote control freak.
Here I am, watching one of my favorite episodes of “Dora the Explorer” (I’m a particular fan of Swiper, that kleptomaniac fox — he’s HOT), and they’re about to sing the “We did it!” song, and suddenly Miss Kill Joy swoops in and tells me it’s time to turn the TV off. Really? With only two minutes left? What’s her trip?! How ya think she’d like it if I flipped off the boob tube right before Tom Bergeron announced the winners on “Dancing with the Stars?” If I tried that, I’d be in a lifelong time-out without possibility of parole.

4) She’s a hypocrite.
Her self-serving mantra seems to be “Do as I say, not as I do.” Here’s an example: I love candy. In fact, I’ve dedicated my whole life to the acquisition of the stuff. But when I ask for it, my mom, in some sort of pathetic bait and switch, hands me a piece of celery or some other kind of flavorless garbage instead. Meanwhile, I see her secretly snarfing up pint after pint of Häagen-Daz cookie dough ice cream.  Then I have to listen to her whine about her weight. Who is she kidding? You think she’s ever going to get into her “Pre-Lily” jeans that way? Fat chance.

5) She knows NOTHING about fashion.
I know what I like. One thing I don’t like is having a 40-plus-year-old woman trying to tell me what looks cool. I could care less if she doesn’t think a polka-dot shirt with striped pants, topped off with a bathing suit and a tiara, “goes together.” I don’t see her taking home any fashion awards with her mom jeans and hair in a “time-saving” ponytail. Sheesh. I’m embarrassed every time she picks me up from preschool.

Comments
  1. J-Ko says:

    Lily, you’re so right (and funny). I could easily find out “Why that man is walking over there” or “Why the water comes out of a faucet” on Google. My mom also has no clue. Thanks for keeping it real and making me laugh.
    Play date?
    xoxo
    Baby-Ko
    (Kid equally exploited in his mother’s blog http://www.perfectlydisheveled.com)

    • William says:

      AWESOME! Finally a TRUE voice speaks for all 4-year-olds! Now go wash your mouth out with soap, you potty mouth!!

    • Lily, I think we should date. I’m three but I think I’m six or seven. And I, too, am being documented on the world wide web — all my insights, like “if wine isn’t good for your brain, why do you drink it?” and “you say you’re working your tail off but people don’t have tails.” Boy, grown ups are STUPID! Have your people call my people. xx “Three”

    • thepaulohana says:

      Very cute :-D Although the language will probably end you up with a life time in time out without parole…even if it was funny.

      • Aunt Betty says:

        I agree. You maybe 4, but at 4 I was using lots of big words. You can do better than 4 letter words. Next time yu’re hungry tell your parents you are FAMISHED. Seriously I hope Mommy and Daddy know more funny words than these.

  2. maggie simpson says:

    *almost* funny…

  3. Eleanor H says:

    Hi Lily–

    I love your new blog. You think one mom is bad, try two. It is never ending really. Remember when we tried to save our moms the price of a haircut by doing it ourselves? And we were even nice enough to stay out of their way by doing it behind the couch, out of their way. Where was the appreciation there? Not to be found.

    Can I wear your tiara next time I am at your house?

    See you soon. love you,
    Eleanor

  4. Patsy says:

    My Dear Tiny Girl,

    You are quite right; your mother sounds extremely tedious. As a fellow maternal unit, allow me to offer some perspective from the other side.

    1. Your mother puts the towels and blankets away because, after purchasing all of your baby dolls and their accessories, she cannot afford to replace them should you poke (more) holes in them or color (more) on them with permanent marker. She puts Polly Pockets back in their bins because she has no wish to sift through piles of dog turds after Fido eats your favorite tiny purse or shoes. Nor can she afford the ER co-pay when she steps on Barbie and tumbles a$$ over teakettle down the staircase.

    2. Your mother doesn’t have the answers because she lost the ability to string together complete thoughts or sentences sometime in the fifth week of your newborn existence, when you woke up every 20 minutes screaming with colic. Did you know that prisoners of war are broken down by constant sleep deprivation? Try staying in your own room for 8 hours every night for a week, and see if her answers don’t improve.

    3. Your mother turns off Dora the Explorer because she has hearing damage from years of being yelled at by that little twerp, and she thinks you’re watching Closed Captioning. Also, the naked monkey in the boots creeps her out.

    4. Your mother snarfs up pints of Haagen Daz to keep from reaching for the scotch. Life is about compromise.

    5. Your mother wears mom jeans because she spent all her dough on your tiaras and Gymboree ensembles. Besides, those mom jeans are probably the only thing holding in the results of what happened to her abdomen after carting you around for 9 months. She wears her hair in a ponytail to keep from ripping it out, and after reading the note home from your preschool teacher, she too is embarrassed every time she picks you up.

  5. Alison says:

    This made me laugh so hard I cried… I had to stop and catch my breath to finish reading it out loud to my boyfriend. I can’t wait to read future posts… thanks for a good laugh!

  6. Patsy says:

    Amy, while I’m touched that you think my banter rivals that of a pissed off four-year-old, I cannot agree. It’s taken me years of bitter disappointment and drink to reach this level of cynicism, while this bright young mind has grasped the obnoxiousness of human experience a mere two years after mastering the toilet. She is a prodigy on the order of Mozart, and I am now a devoted fan!

  7. We have two moms says:

    Our moms found your blog so humorous they snarfed wine all over their iPhones. They hate to waste that stuff. Well done.
    C&R

  8. twerpdownthestreet says:

    Word, Lily. You are — as always — my hero.

    NOW can I borrow your doll stroller?

  9. Patsy missed the point I think.

  10. Jenny says:

    Toooooo funny!!!!!! OMG! Thanks for the laugh!!!

  11. Lacey says:

    My mom is OLD too, she is over 40, and not only that I have 8 brothers and sisters, my nephew is a year older than me, my next nephew is 8 mos… so if you want to talk messed up, psyco families, I am all ears. My mom messes with my baby dolls too. I keep asking her why I don’t have dolls with Penis’s and she says cause they don’t make them, but I don’t believe her. I should google search that but she is ALWAYS on the computer! and she won’t let me wear my cow pants, tinkerbell wings, and rainboots to pre-school either. I really thought having a mom who had been a mom for so long would be cool but I think she is too broken in for me, its hard to surprise her or get ANY reaction out of her… she just comes up with a story from one of my siblings of them doing something worse… is she waving a RED flag??? Maybe I need to knock it up a notch. I live in Alaska so play dates are probably out of the question, but we could always skype!

  12. Devlins Mom says:

    Lily, I LOVE you and am so looking forward to having you as a daughter-in-law! (I’m a huge fan of your mommy too! Don’t hold it against me!)

  13. Travis Erwin says:

    Funny Stuff Lily. Can’t wait to read more.

  14. Margaret O says:

    Love your blog, Lily!

    Referencing you as one of my favorite bloggers on tomorrow’s blog post at Kabongo.com.

    Keep writing… we’re reading!

  15. SOS says:

    Hilarious! I love it

  16. eternallyemo says:

    This blog is hillarious! Congrats on being freshly pressed!

  17. deerhart says:

    Oh God, mommybloggers are so f**cking annoying. They should spend more time parenting, doing self-enriching things, or do ANYTHING mildly productive rather than kvetching on the web.

  18. Rebecca says:

    This is Great! So glad I found your blog..thanks for the giggles~

  19. Just came across your blog….FABULOUS! I have enjoyed reading many posts, and I will be back to read some more!

    Cheers!

  20. Helen Nutter says:

    WOW! This is seriously creative. I’ve wet myself so many times now reading your posts I have to wear a diaper!! :)

  21. This is priceless…I have a adorable four year old son, you would make the cutest couple! Keep on posting and i will keep on laughing!

  22. beckysefton says:

    Hilarious!!!!!!! SO TRUE!

  23. Viyana says:

    Nice to meet you, Lily: I am really glad to have found somebody else telling our part of the story. I see that you are quite pissed off, maybe because you are older and you learned who is responsible for our misery. It looks like I have a lot to learn from you, so I will keep an eye on what you write.

  24. Hairy Dawgs says:

    someone needs to spank that little girl….

  25. Aval says:

    Considering your communication abilities, you must be Mensa. Guess you set your blog up all by yourself, you precoucious child?

  26. […] the right questions, it doesn’t get done. (If you want to see a funny Mommy-Tangent, go here: http://bedtimesareforsuckers.com/2010/10/06/why-i-think-all-%E2%80%9Cmommy-blogs%E2%80%9D-are-bullsh… […]

  27. Noelle says:

    So cute! Love this perspective :)

  28. SarahC says:

    This was hilarious. Great read to start a Friday!! Can’t wait for the next blog:-)

  29. FREAKING LOVE THIS! LOL

    – Kristen

  30. She looks adorable :)

    http://www.vindiebaby.com
    Vintage Inspired Girls

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