What’s with this new trend of parents celebrating the fact that they’re sh*tty parents? It’s so out of hand there’s even a new book out called Sh*tty Mom (which just hit the New York Times bestseller list.) Look, I don’t need a book to tell me what I already know: Half of you are phoning it in. I’m not. When it comes to being a kid, I’ve got this thing nailed. Here’s just a small sampling of my stellar skill set:
1) I delight you with my unyielding belief in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy no matter how many times you eff it up by asking me, “I forget, what did we buy you last year for Christmas?” …and most recently “How much are the other parents giving your friends for a tooth?” WTH?!
2) I let you watch me while I sleep. Yeah, I know you do it. I hear you tiptoeing in and staring down at me with that pathetic “loving look.” Frankly, its creeps me out.
3) Because of me, you get to relive your long-lost childhood and play at the park…face it if you tried to dig in the sand and skip around on your own you’d be escorted off the premsies
4) I give you the impression that you’re a genius even when your explanation of ”how I got into my mom’s stomach in the first place,” fails to clarify sh*t.
5) I’m a walking photo op… from smearing my face with frosting to reaching into the dryer buck naked, each and every shot’s frame-worthy.
6) I keep time for you, reminding you that each and every day I get older you’re one step closer to the grave. You’re welcome!
What do you think? Are YOU a sh*tty kid?